Lol, looking at the title I bet you thought this was going to be some sort funny make believe story. Well, it might be funny, or maybe not, but unfortunately, as I know all to well, it's not make believe...
It seems that I've gone through most, if not all of my 43 years not fully awake. Yep, you read right. Apparently I have 2 separate sleep disorders. One being sleep apnea, the other being, well, I don't know what it's called, but I don't sleep much and when I do it's severely disturbed, and when I'm awake, I'm not fully awake. Ok, that sounds strange.
So, here I am, 43, getting ready to start using a cpap machine at night and being put on meds to make me sleep. The doctor says that the combination of the meds and the cpap will make a tremendous difference in my life. We'll see. This is the only way I've ever been, all I've ever known. To be told at my age that a lot of my problems have been and are caused by sleep disorders is both a relief and frustrating. All these years I have been functioning only half awake. I'm kind of wondering what it will be like to actually sleep and be wide awake during the day. To not make all the mistakes I make, to feel less pain, to not get confused so easily, not lose everything, and to not forget everything.
I wonder what it would be like to be totally and completely asleep and what it will feel like to be completely awake and not living in this partial dream state that I've been in?
Sounds crazy I know. At least you don't have to live it...
Every now and then I will come across a post or story that so thoroughly affects me that I'm reduced to nothing but emotions; the kind of emotions that you can't think in words but that come out perfectly when written.
I just read a story like that from a friend on here. I'm amazed, over and over again, by how similar we are and how I've never noticed it. Here on EP, many of us are able to show the world a side of ourselves that we don't even allow ourselves to see. It is these glimpses that show others who we are.
It's really easy for me to hide. But I'm learning that hiding has done nothing but hinder me. Oh in the beginning it helped me survive. Over the years it has allowed me to process the events of my life at a speed that I could deal with. I want say that it doesn't hurt when people don't understand me, but that would be a lie. So I'm learning instead to process the opinions of some and discard those of others. I'm trying to teach myself not to take things so personally and to learn and grow from both joy and pain. I know who I want to be, I will never be that person if I don't practice it. So now I guess it's time to quit thinking about it and get to work.
So now I am on a journey to learn about me so that others can know who I am. All the pain I've lived with in my life (and others too) has the power to teach me something if I'm willing to let it. And I am willing. I just don't always know how. I won't let that stop me though. I'm alive, now, in this time, and now is the time to act. So here I go on a new adventure that I've only been daydreaming about. I'm not so brave that I will run full speed ahead. I'm timid and I know it, so I will take baby steps to build confidence and see where that leads me...
I realize I've not been around much since my Grandmother took a turn for the worse and then passed away. I'm still pretty exhausted, which brings me to the reason for this blog post.
Some of you may know that I've been sick since before my Grandmother passed away on the 3rd. No biggie, we all get sick. Well, normally I'd agree. However, I"m still sick and have developed certain complications. So me, having suffered as long as I possibly could without a doctors intervention, finally figured out that I should probably go to the doctor. So I did, yesterday. OK, so I have an upper respiratory infection and the flu. Fine. He, tells me to take that throat numbing stuff that you spray into your throat, Pepto, and gives me sc
LMAO, I've never taken anything like Xanax before but I knew it was some type of nerve pill because my aunt takes them daily and has for years. So I ask him why he thinks I need Xanax. His answer? "You need to sleep". LMAO again!!! I've needed sleep since I was a girl. Why is this so different? Anyway, because I've always been sleep deprived I agree to try the Xanax...
I take the Xanax. I feel pleasantly relaxed. No biggie. Ok, then I feel pleasantly drowsy. Yay! I'm tired!!!
I go to bed around 10pm or so. I'm up at 1am. Go back to bed around 1:30. I'm up again around 3am. Go back to bed about 5 minutes later. I'm up again at 6am, then again at 7:30am at which point I have to stay up to get my daughter up and ready for school.
Here was the problem. I kept waking up because I was coughing!!! The stupid cough pills did NOT help in the least!!! I'm still exhausted and now pretty ticked too because I really need some sleep. On any normal night when I'm not sick, my sleeping pattern is about the same as it was last night. Except that last night, each time I woke up I could have gone right back to sleep if it weren't for the coughing!!!
So, tonight I'm taking Benadryl and then the Xanax. I figure if the benadryl dries up the post nasal drip maybe the Xanax will be able to keep me asleep... Here's hoping!!!!!!!
Now, why in the world did he give me Xanax in the first place? I'm sick. I never sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time (been that way all my life). I don't think my nerves are shot, but then again my children may disagree with that statement... I need something to stop all this coughing, then maybe the xanax will be able to help me sleep :)
I think I need a new doc...
I think I need to add this little piece of info... I hate taking pills. The only time I'm happy to take a pill is when I have a migraine. so I'm not a pill person, don't like them, and can usually do without them. However I'm exhausted and really need some sleep without coughing, even if it is only for a few hours.
My Grandmother is finally out of pain and at rest. She died yesterday morning. Tomorrow is her memorial and I'm sitting here sicker than a dog and running a fever and bawling because I may not get to go to her memorial tomorrow if I'm no better tomorrow. Fever or not, I plan on attending her funeral on Friday even if I have to wear some sort of germ mask.
I'm not sure how to describe my feelings at the moment. I'm more in shock I think than anything. I'll start to cry for a minute or so and then be kind of numb. I shouldn't be feeling this way though because we've known for a while that this was coming. But then again, grief is grief.
I want to be there tomorrow. I'm worried about my mother and how she will take seeing her mother lying in that casket. I suspect that's when she will really break down. That's what happened when I was a girl and her grandfather died. She lost it at his funeral. Just cried and cried and no one could comfort her. I can't stand to see my mother in that much emotional pain and I'm dreading it. Maybe I should go even though I am sick. I worry that I will pass this illness on to everyone else but I want to be there for my mother. I'm torn between the responsibilities of supporting my mother and not spreading this illness...
Every once in a while we meet someone that we can totally connect too. When that happens online it seems like it would be kind of strange because at times there is no face to go with the conversations, laughter, and memories.
I really don't care lol.
I've met a certain person on here who makes me laugh so hard that I double over. He's so much like me it's not even funny.
I think we were twins separated at birth.
No, really, he's really cool and I've enjoyed talking to him.
You know who you are and I'd like to thank you for majorly brightening my day!!! You Rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mood: extremely tickled
It's not what you think...
Way back when I was a little girl (30+ years ago) there was an alka-seltzer commercial on tv that had my undivided attention anytime I saw it. It had a song that went like this
Plop plop fiz fiz oh what-a-relief it-is.
Then they would plop 2 tablets into a glass of water.
Oh my. lol, my 5 year old brain was fascinated with the fizzy part and the song always played in my little mind.
Well, one day my father had his emergency medical kit out and had shown my brother and I this neat little gadget that would suck snake poison out of you if one ever bit you.
Well now, that was interesting!!!
Time for bed....
(I have severe ADHD that was not diagnosed at the time, uh, oh)....
(I also slept very little... Another uh, oh)...
As you can probably imagine, I woke up in the middle of the night.
The snake thingy was still in my mind.
I needed an accomplice so I woke up my 3 year old brother. LOL, the hall closet was right across from our bedroom door and that is where my father had put his emergency kit, waaay up on the top shelf.
That did NOT deter me :)
I climbed up those closet shelves and got that kit :) :)
I was a happy camper!
As my brother and I are looking at all the neat stuff, including the snake thingy, what do I find?
You guessed it, 2 little pouches of magic.
I was so excited! Here was my chance to see it in REAL life!!!!
I run back into our bedroom, get my sleeping sisters bottle out of the crib, and you guessed it! I was in heaven when I plopped those 2 tablets into her bottle and watched the magical fizz...
I put everything back on the top shelf, put my sisters bottle back in her crib, and went back to bed. That's all I can remember about the incident...
Fast forward 30 years. It's Thanksgiving and all us relatives are hanging around the table drinking coffee, eating dessert, and telling silly childhood adventures.
I tell my plop plop story and everyone is laughing. Then I get this feeling that I'm in danger. I could feel someone standing behind me. So I turn around to see my mother standing there with a look of shock on her face.
Uh, oh, I'm in trouble now lol.
"Scattered Grapes" she says, "your sister almost died and we never knew why".
OMG... I'm still laughing but trying not to because I see how upset my mom was...
Really, I swear, I was not trying to kill my sister!!!
I only wanted to see the plop plop fizz fizz...
I wrote this last night but thinking about it now has produced feelings that I've never had. I can actually feel my mother's terror of so long ago. I guess it's not so funny when you really think about it. But then my laughter does not come from the fact that I almost killed my sister. It comes from the excitement of an innocent little girl who found a treasure.
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Previous PostsAsleep for 43 years, posted December 19th, 2012
A New Journey, posted October 14th, 2012, 1 comment
Xanax? Really?, posted October 11th, 2012, 2 comments
Conflicting responsibilities and my Grandmothers memorial, posted October 3rd, 2012, 2 comments
New Friends, posted August 14th, 2012, 1 comment
How I almost killed my baby sister, posted August 13th, 2012, 4 comments
Death of a Son, posted November 25th, 2011, 2 comments
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